To Love a Beast
by She's a Star
Summary: Remus reflects on a lost love.


To Love a Beast

  
  


by She's a Star

  
  


Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to the oh-so-awesome J.K. Rowling :) The title's sorta/kinda from the best Disney movie ever, Beauty & The Beast (I'm not sure if those were the words exactly, but it was something along those lines)

  
  


A/N: I'm not sure I like this one...it's a bit strange. Probably 'cause it was just one of those fics where the ideas popped into your mind just seconds before you write 'em. So...forgive me if it's totally awful. I had to post it for my Remus obsessed buddy, Crystal :) (PepsiAngel...*hypnotizes you* Go read her fics...are you getting sleepy?...Go read her fics) Hope ya like it, girlie :)

  
  


~*~

  
  


I've never liked the dark.

It's ironic, isn't it?

Who ever heard of a monster who feared darkness? It's pathetic, really. 

But somehow, I just can't see myself as a monster. Monsters are vicious and bloodthirsty and evil. 

I suppose I am as well.

Children probably have nightmares about things like me.

I used to have nightmares about things like me.

I was a fool, really, to even believe that someone could ever love me...to love a beast is impossible. 

I know that now.

I was an idiot, I suppose, to even fall for her in the first place. 

Lily Evans was beautiful and sweet and smart and perfect and everything that most men dreamt of, and only ones like James could have. Or Sirius. She really was captivated by Sirius for a few years during schooling, and he could have had her.

But he turned her down...only someone like Sirius, someone so charming and mischievous and confident, could do that. 

Those were Lily's adjectives, not mine. She told me everything...I was the one she spilled her secrets to. I knew things even her best friends didn't.

I would've preferred that she told them instead. 

I can still see those amazing green eyes, that fiery red hair and musical laugh. 

'Oh, Remus, when do you think Sirius will notice me?'

Sirius made her cry countless times. Half of me hated him for it...it didn't seem right for anyone to cause someone so beautiful so much pain. But then the other half of me was grateful. When she cried, it gave me an excuse to hug her and be close to her and smell her hair and be able to murmur that everything was all right. 

I knew there was no way I'd ever be close to her otherwise. I was always just Remus to her...the one she could talk to, the one that always listened and never mocked or laughed. And yet she had no idea that I treasured every word she spoke to me, remembered every sentence to escape her lips.

I can still hear her saying one of them.

'Remus, we're always talking about me...I want you to know you can talk to me, too.'

I tried not to laugh at that. She would have been disgusted if I told her, no doubt. Even if I hadn't been...what I am, she wouldn't have felt even a fraction for me of what I felt for her. 

She and James were always destined for one another.

At their wedding, I felt the most horrible sense of realization-before, I'd always had this hope that maybe, just maybe, she would realize that she could like me as more than a friend. But as soon as she said 'I do', every hope, every dream was crushed. Reduced to dust.

I actually started crying. Tears welled up in my eyes and all. Because...as I watched Lily and James stare at one another, there was so much love between them that I could feel it fill the room. Sirius really let me have it for that one.

"God, Moony, what are you, A GIRL?" he'd snickered. 

Sirius was my best friend...he still is. But he just didn't understand.

I think, if it was now, he would have. He's grown up.

And then, a year and a half after my dreams were all destroyed, my life turned into hell. Lily...dead. James...dead. Peter...dead. Sirius...a murderer.

Lily...dead.

I couldn't imagine it. When I went to the funeral and saw her body in the casket, I was so positive it was some sort of elaborate doll, that the whole death was just a hoax.

Lil was always so alive. 

My world died along with her.

For so long, I was all alone. In a sense, I still am.

One thing Lily always used to say was that you needed love to survive.

Even though I feel awful at saying it, I have to: she was wrong.

Because I've scraped through, I've survived.

But no one could ever love me.

No one could ever love a beast.

  
  
  
  
  
  


THE END


End file.
